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Breaking News from the Borowitz Report

Breaking News

BRITNEY SPEARS REPRODUCING AT UNSUSTAINABLE RATE,
SCIENTISTS FEAR

Husband's Troubling Fertility Tops Agenda of Oslo Conference


Scientists attending a conference in Oslo, Norway to discuss threats to the global ecology placed pop star Britney Spears' rapid reproductive pace at the top of their agenda, conference attendees confirmed today.

While the conference had originally been organized to bring the world's greatest scientific minds together to grapple with such problems as global warming and avian flu, news of Ms. Spears' unexpected second pregnancy immediately pushed those issues to the back burner.

Many of the scientists' concerns focused on the alarming fertility of Ms. Spears' husband, Kevin Federline, who appears to be able to reproduce at will.

"According to the tabloids, Ms. Spears and Mr. Federline are almost never in the same city, and yet he still managed to fertilize her egg," said Dr. Zang Liangyong of Beijing University. "From all evidence, Mr. Federline appears to possess some kind of super-sperm that may be transmittable over phone lines."

Underlining the gravity of his concern, the scientist added, "Kevin Federline can no longer be considered a shiftless hanger-on and must now be thought of as a pandemic."

Dr. Zang said that if Ms. Spears and Mr. Federline continue to reproduce at their current rate, by the year 2030 one out of three children in the world will be the offspring of the famous couple, putting a strain on global resources.

"That is far too many Spears-Federline children for the earth to sustain," Dr. Zang said. "The only hope is that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will adopt them."

Elsewhere, in a troubling new development for President Bush, a new poll gives him his worst marks since Yale.



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posted by Joe Mieczkowski @ 9:29 AM